Seriously Stressed Out! UGH!

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Generic's picture
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I am so STRESSED. As if everything else in my life wasn't stressful enough (parent in hospital for months with their finances out of order and no PoA or Living Will, renovations on premises and of course, running a B&B - although thankfully in low season) a shower valve just reared it's ugly head as flooded the floor of a room. At least the builders are already here. Put in a temporary fix. Plumber will be here next week to fix permanently.

Honestly, I'm not very good with dealing with stress. I get edgy and can just start yelling at people randomly. Trying to keep a brave face. Anyone have some tips on how to cope while still keeping everything running?

(On a positive note, running away from home this weekend for two days...)

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I know how it is. My dad pass a few weeks and we are getting ready to sell his house. A couple of years ago we talked him into putting it into my sisters and his name. What a great thing we did. We can sell the house with out going through the courts. He had his funeral paid and everything ready to go. Wow that was huge too. My sister had POA before he passed, which at the moment of death ceases. So we were thankful nothing

was not too hard. I want to make it easy for my kids. I want to get rid of stuff. My hubby is not good at getting rid of his stuff but I don't want it to be easy for the kids. I am doing my part. Smiling 

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Madeleine's picture
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Sorry to hear this. What a tough month this has been for so many here.

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Generic's picture
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Thankfully no real estate. There is a period where the will can be contested and you can't sell real estate during that period.

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We are going through this ourselves as my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly three weeks ago (stroke).

This is the first time either hubby or myself have had to be involved in funeral arrangements and we were shocked at the costs involved, even for the simplest of services.

It certainly made us realize how important it is to have at least some plans and either savings or insurance in place in advance. It sucks to have to wade into this unfamiliar territory while in shock and grief (also doesn't help that my father-in-law was admitted to hospital the same day as my MIL -- he just had quadruple bypass surgery last week). Being a few hours away just adds to the stress.

Hubby and I have since had a conversation about what we would like when the time comes and there were some surprises there. It's worth talking about.

gillumhouse's picture
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Our condolences to your family.

Madeleine's picture
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Sorry for your loss. Best to your hubby and FIL, too.

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Even though they say pre planning funerals is a rip off. My mother planned hers I bet 25 years before she passed and we knew exactly what she wanted and the funeral director was the son of the man she planned it with Smiling  No questions on are part what to do. Everything was told to us long before.  We know exactly what we want and have it all written down.

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Sheesh people. 

Easier said than done, to get this info out of family who are unhealthy and/or old.

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white pine's picture
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Easier to get it out of family unhealthy, old or unwilling than to get out of them once they pass....DO IT NOW!  WE are ALL going to die...we don't know when.   Get a plan, let the family know. 

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gillumhouse's picture
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I (thankfully) was able to nag my Daddy into making a will - now that man was a hard-headed, stubborn Irish/German, hard to tell which side was more obstinate. The important thing was that he did it! And the Hospice lady talked him into a POA so I could pay his bills and transfer his Florida house to a niece.

Generic's picture
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For those who know and those who don't, as I hinted, my parent is no longer in the hospital, they passed quietly on Friday. The funeral and burial were on Sunday and I'm finally home. (No need for condolences, I know they are expressed silently and I thank you for them, without the need to write them, on here.)

And so the largest part of the pressure is really gone. Everything now can just move forward at my own pace, because well, nothing can be rushed, no needs to be timely. No need to fight the government, soon the banks that wouldn't answer my questions will have no choice but to answer them. I'll hire an accountant to do the three years of taxes that have to be processed. I'll contact the government for pension payments that are missed, etc. etc. etc. 

Temporarily, my CC is taking a really big hit. But I will see it back. And if I ask people anything is that please have your living wills in place and your paperwork in order. It will save your next-of-kin from a lot of heartache.

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 You do have my sincere sympathy, please take care of yourself.

  You are absolutely right...the BEST thing you can do for your loved ones is get POA's, Living Wills, and have THOSE discussions which you so want to avoid.   Also, please prepare for your business and pets....get a plan... 

I ask everyone this, what would happen if, God Forbid, you and your partner both passed in an accident today???

Generic's picture
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To be honest, that was the worst part. Around here, it meant that I had to get them declared incompetent, get the government to step in and then beg to get back control from the government. A total and utter nightmare and months of telling everyone that no one has PoA, so no one can write a cheque or answer questions.

Thank you for the sympathy. I'm doing fine now, though Smiling

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I am glad the worst is over for you. Been there. We do need to get wills updated although the ones we did years ago also cover the after the kids are grown as they are now. We do have med POA and I am doing everything possible to help my kids out - I do not go to a doctor for anything - period. With luck I will outlive DH and that will take care of that problem for the kids. For many of the old people, making a will was saying you were going to die. Something none of them wanted to acknowledge. Glad you are OK now. If you ever need to run away from home, I am not anon, you are welcome here.

Joey Camb's picture
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also what is becoming very popular here is over 50's life cover which requires no medical - costs abou $12 a month and pays out about $6000 - so its just about enough to cover a basic funeral - you put the executor of your will down as the beneficiary and it pays for funeral costs at a very affordable level - (im not on commission)

or you could do what my gran did and have cash in a biscuit tin marked funeral money which is almost more effective!

Trouble is a couple of people I know or relations of people I know have died lately without a bean leaving relatives to pay for everything when they don't have a bean either! the government here will pay some funeral costs - however you have to pay it, get the receipt and then claim it back which is no use if you have no money in the first place!

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Generic's picture
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I just paid double that for a very basic service, religious practices don't help the costs.

gillumhouse's picture
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Here it depends on the WHERE. In 1995 it was $900 just to open the hole for Mom in Illinois. In 1996 it was $300 to open the hole for Daddy in Ohio.

Mom's casket was $1200 for the basic model (we do not believe in throwing money down a hole) and Daddy's entire funeral - including taking him from my house to Ohio to the wake & funeral (2 funeral homes involved) was $2500. Even in funerals it is - LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!

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$2850 for the hole, over $900 to dig and fill the hole and the box was over $1800 (no metal allowed) and after all the services, disbursements, etc. the total of the taxes are over $1200 not including licences, forms, etc. And I'm telling you, this hole was so far out of the city, there were cows living next door.... how far? Almost 25 miles away from downtown and about 10 miles from where he lived.

gillumhouse's picture
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Both hole were already paid for. Both DH & I have said roast & toast. Since there is one more hole in my paternal family ownership in a VERY old cemetery (looks at my WV at least) I told the kids to wait until we both are ready to plant and then go plant some flowers that will never grow (or toss us - I suggested flush but certain if it would go down the pipe). Sorry, Jon, so soon after you have gone through your loss, it is just that in my family we DO get things discussed by keeping it on a light level although they know we are dead (pun intended) serious.

My original plan was to be center stage in anatomy class at the Med School, but found out there were so many reasons to refuse it that I changed my mind.  Figured the kids would get dumped on with an unplanned bill as the Med School said, "We don't want her either!"

Generic's picture
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Not allowed to cremate, not allowed to donate to science. It's all done now. Just to wait and pay for it. The government apparently pays about $2K from the pension plan. I have those papers to fill out too. Lucky me!

Madeleine's picture
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No religious beliefs to work with here. I told the kids to just throw my cremated self off a cliff. I specified which cliff and said they might need a backup plan so I gave them a more secluded cliff to toss me off.

I mentioned something I thought was neat... Making jewelry from the cremains. They both said, 'we're going with the cliff idea if you don't mind.'

Dh is getting a free burial in a VA cemetery.

Still not something I want to think about.

Sorry you had such a rough time of it.

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Someone, who shall remain nameless, suggested a diamond for their remains... I said, "Great, I can use it for your replacement's engagement ring". And that was the end of that wish.

Madeleine's picture
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Jon Sable wrote:

Someone, who shall remain nameless, suggested a diamond for their remains... I said, "Great, I can use it for your replacement's engagement ring". And that was the end of that wish.

Yes! Something like that. A gemstone. One kid was sort of appalled but the other was intrigued.

We joked he could make a ring to give to his fiancee. 'Yeah, it's my mother, she always was a buttinski.'

jmj
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Location is key. For myself, I am stating a wood box, no chemicals, and burial in Geddes, SD- spot is $10, already paid for. I will leave some money for transport, but heard others have used U-HAUL just fine (though should carry some paperwork with you). 

Generic's picture
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Well, running away from home for the weekend didn't work out. The valve is fixed, new access panel on the wall. Don't have to worry about the rest of it, since time is no longer of the essence. Thankfully the only two elements that are time sensitive will be done on Sunday and in a week. And thankfully I have no reservations for this weekend. Guess that's one advantage to being of this faith, it's basically all done in a week's time and the worst part has to be done almost immediately.

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I will say for my family - we are like the death prepared brigade - everyone has wills and living wills (even the under 30's) weve seen close up the mess when you don't

People leaving people bit of land that didn't actually belong to them (ie rented)

1 of my mothers cousin's estate took 4 years to get distributed and it was about $1000 each! most of anything there was went to the lawyers - plus several of the people died in the mean time!

 

gillumhouse's picture
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I hope all is well very soon. I guess the mantra has to be "This too shall pass". Unfortunately, we each have to handle our own and there is no way for us to do anything other than commiserate and say, "Poor, Baby".  I have found the worse things seemed at the time, the brighter the sun shone at the end. Mentally holding your hand and wishing could do more.

Madeleine's picture
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I know the feeling. I don't do stress well, either. Especially emotional stress like with the parents.

I find that walking away from it (after the water is turned off and mopped up!) is the best way for me to cope. A quick walk to clear my head and remove myself from the situation.

BTW, my SIL broke the shower head when they were staying here. Luckily, it did not snap off IN the wall, but in the shower. Still required maintenance and new parts and new tools to fix it. (We fix it ourselves if we can, we're cheap.)

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Running away from home is a good start.  Exercise is my way of burning off steam.  If you can find 30 minutes to do some hard, heart pumping, sweaty exercise, it makes things seem easier.

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BananaE29 wrote:

Running away from home is a good start.  Exercise is my way of burning off steam.  If you can find 30 minutes to do some hard, heart pumping, sweaty exercise, it makes things seem easier.

Last month I lost the third runner friend in the last 4 years. He ran every day, skin and bones healthy, and died of a heart attack on his morning run. I've decided this "get your heart pumping" thing is for people under 40. Act your age. If you're over 40 I recommend you walk for exercise. Don't run. You may still feel 18, but your body is not!

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Arks wrote:

BananaE29 wrote:

Running away from home is a good start.  Exercise is my way of burning off steam.  If you can find 30 minutes to do some hard, heart pumping, sweaty exercise, it makes things seem easier.

Last month I lost the third runner friend in the last 4 years. He ran every day, skin and bones healthy, and died of a heart attack on his morning run. I've decided this "get your heart pumping" thing is for people under 40. Act your age. If you're over 40 I recommend you walk for exercise. Don't run. You may still feel 18, but your body is not!

 

So very sorry for your loss. 

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white pine's picture
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So sorry you have that load.  From one who had three elderly in wheelchairs having to go to three different docs on the same day while running a business.....1) Realize you cannot do it all. Get help. Some things will sort themselves out. Let some things go.  2) Eat well and try to get some sleep, take the phone off the hook if you have to.  3) Take a walk and breathe.   Good Luck  Take care.

Joey Camb's picture
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Believe me we know! builders are in, UK tax year just finished and deadline yesterday, many and various problems with builders, DH and I both have stonking colds, my godmother (the full time crazy person) is back from her month in Japan and ready to cause chaos (its been very quiet without her!) parents are in and out of court with her non stop, window people are not co-ordinating very well with the builders so we are missing a window and half of another! which looks super great as guests pull into the car park, laundry people for some reason didn't get our order for Tuesday so didn't bring any clean linen - but did today in the middle of guests, new sideboard being delivered and conference stuff everywhere to go back by courier tomorro - and so it goes on! - I would be fine if my head didn't feel like it had a brick strapped to it!

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heart sorry and hugs to you. 

Generic's picture
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Thanks. I shortened it. If I started writing all of the stuff on my plate, I might get food plates shoved through the mailbox.

I still can't believe that yesterday they found a second car still listed as owned. Every day it's something new. Two years of taxes and corporate taxes to file, etc. Fun, fun, fun!

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