Suggestions for review response?

A reviewer called us "functional in a nice location."
then, "the room, whilst perfectly functional, wasn't particularly special for the price." The bathroom was "small but functional."
then, the breakfast was good the cookies were very good and a nice touch.
I want to say something about expectations in an antique home made into a b&b and that you should expect the bathrooms to be small and quaint, not opulent and crazy big like in a Hilton hotel.
The bathroom they are describing is really well put together and has plenty of room to put your things. But it is compact. Of COURSE!!! The room is one of my favorites.
Having trouble with wording. Any suggestions?

"It's amazing what you can do with a walk-in closet to create a bathroom in a 200 year old house!" That's what I say in person. (Even tho 200 year old houses didn't have closets.)
Otherwise I'd skip everything in my reply except for the things they liked. Don't bother commenting on the things they didn't like.

The problem with price is that it's so subjective. What's expensive for someone from Oklahoma is cheap for someone from New York City. And size is too, because in Oklahoma you can expect a much larger bathroom than you may in New York City. So, I wouldn't bother tackling either of those, because it's a he says / she says sort of thing. I might simply say thank you for your review and that you enjoyed your stay. The bathroom is "in the spirit of the age of the home." which basically says that it's right for the age of the house, get over it.

We are so pleased you enjoyed our location as you stayed with us. We have tried to be creative with installing private en-suite bathrooms in each guestroom in our 18xx inn. Our breakfast buffets of ________________ have been described as tempting to the eyes as well as the palette. We are happy you also enjoyed it.

How's this?
Thank you for your review. We are happy you enjoyed your breakfast and our welcome cookies! We do our best to offer a breakfast that has something for everyone from yogurt and fruit to hot or cold cereals to hot food like bacon, eggs and pancakes. Your room tip is valuable for travelers so they know what to expect when they visit. We are an antique house, with private bathrooms for each guest room. Some of our bathrooms are smaller than you might find in a modern hotel. you were in the Old Garden Beach room. It is on our only first floor room. It has an electric fireplace, leather wing chairs, a window seat and beautiful artwork from Italy. The bathroom has a (brand new) pedestal sink and a tub/shower combination.

TheBeachHouse said:

How's this?
Thank you for your review. We are happy you enjoyed your breakfast and our welcome cookies! We do our best to offer a breakfast that has something for everyone from yogurt and fruit to hot or cold cereals to hot food like bacon, eggs and pancakes. Your room tip is valuable for travelers so they know what to expect when they visit. We are an antique house, with private bathrooms for each guest room. Some of our bathrooms are smaller than you might find in a modern hotel. you were in the Old Garden Beach room. It is on our only first floor room. It has an electric fireplace, leather wing chairs, a window seat and beautiful artwork from Italy. The bathroom has a (brand new) pedestal sink and a tub/shower combination..

Click to expand...

How do I say, "most guests prefer the charm and history of an antique house to the large, cold sameness of a stupid, modern, boring hotel" - you know, without saying stupid and boring?

TheBeachHouse said:

TheBeachHouse said:

How's this?
Thank you for your review. We are happy you enjoyed your breakfast and our welcome cookies! We do our best to offer a breakfast that has something for everyone from yogurt and fruit to hot or cold cereals to hot food like bacon, eggs and pancakes. Your room tip is valuable for travelers so they know what to expect when they visit. We are an antique house, with private bathrooms for each guest room. Some of our bathrooms are smaller than you might find in a modern hotel. you were in the Old Garden Beach room. It is on our only first floor room. It has an electric fireplace, leather wing chairs, a window seat and beautiful artwork from Italy. The bathroom has a (brand new) pedestal sink and a tub/shower combination..

Click to expand...

How do I say, "most guests prefer the charm and history of an antique house to the large, cold sameness of a stupid, modern, boring hotel" - you know, without saying stupid and boring?
.

Click to expand...

The charm and history of an old (seafaring captain's house or whatever the house is 'famous for) isn't for everyone. A love of history and a sense of romance help the majority of our guests appreciate the quirks and embellishments of our nineteenth century building and the renovations we've undertaken to make it a special place for our guests to relax.

TheBeachHouse said:

How's this?
Thank you for your review. We are happy you enjoyed your breakfast and our welcome cookies! We do our best to offer a breakfast that has something for everyone from yogurt and fruit to hot or cold cereals to hot food like bacon, eggs and pancakes. Your room tip is valuable for travelers so they know what to expect when they visit. We are an antique house, with private bathrooms for each guest room. Some of our bathrooms are smaller than you might find in a modern hotel. you were in the Old Garden Beach room. It is on our only first floor room. It has an electric fireplace, leather wing chairs, a window seat and beautiful artwork from Italy. The bathroom has a (brand new) pedestal sink and a tub/shower combination..

Click to expand...

Skip the 'we do our best...'. Just state what's on offer for breakfast. Skip how the bathrooms are smaller unless you can make it funny or paint a picture of the bathroom having all the necessities. Keep the description of the room as the only first floor room and the amenities.
You might want to suggest the bathroom is the perfect size for 'very close friends'.
We're going to try to take a wall down this year to add a BIG sink to one room after one guest stormed around saying the small sink was totally unacceptable and how many times had we heard THAT comment??? (Never.) The room is actually a guest favorite. Year after year.

Morticia said:

TheBeachHouse said:

TheBeachHouse said:

How's this?
Thank you for your review. We are happy you enjoyed your breakfast and our welcome cookies! We do our best to offer a breakfast that has something for everyone from yogurt and fruit to hot or cold cereals to hot food like bacon, eggs and pancakes. Your room tip is valuable for travelers so they know what to expect when they visit. We are an antique house, with private bathrooms for each guest room. Some of our bathrooms are smaller than you might find in a modern hotel. you were in the Old Garden Beach room. It is on our only first floor room. It has an electric fireplace, leather wing chairs, a window seat and beautiful artwork from Italy. The bathroom has a (brand new) pedestal sink and a tub/shower combination..

Click to expand...

How do I say, "most guests prefer the charm and history of an antique house to the large, cold sameness of a stupid, modern, boring hotel" - you know, without saying stupid and boring?
.

Click to expand...

The charm and history of an old (seafaring captain's house or whatever the house is 'famous for) isn't for everyone. A love of history and a sense of romance help the majority of our guests appreciate the quirks and embellishments of our nineteenth century building and the renovations we've undertaken to make it a special place for our guests to relax.
.

Click to expand...

I'm relaxed just reading your calming and colorful prose. Thanks.

Morticia said:

TheBeachHouse said:

TheBeachHouse said:

How's this?
Thank you for your review. We are happy you enjoyed your breakfast and our welcome cookies! We do our best to offer a breakfast that has something for everyone from yogurt and fruit to hot or cold cereals to hot food like bacon, eggs and pancakes. Your room tip is valuable for travelers so they know what to expect when they visit. We are an antique house, with private bathrooms for each guest room. Some of our bathrooms are smaller than you might find in a modern hotel. you were in the Old Garden Beach room. It is on our only first floor room. It has an electric fireplace, leather wing chairs, a window seat and beautiful artwork from Italy. The bathroom has a (brand new) pedestal sink and a tub/shower combination..

Click to expand...

How do I say, "most guests prefer the charm and history of an antique house to the large, cold sameness of a stupid, modern, boring hotel" - you know, without saying stupid and boring?
.

Click to expand...

The charm and history of an old (seafaring captain's house or whatever the house is 'famous for) isn't for everyone. A love of history and a sense of romance help the majority of our guests appreciate the quirks and embellishments of our nineteenth century building and the renovations we've undertaken to make it a special place for our guests to relax.
.

Click to expand...

TheBeachHouse said:

Morticia said:

TheBeachHouse said:

TheBeachHouse said:

How's this?
Thank you for your review. We are happy you enjoyed your breakfast and our welcome cookies! We do our best to offer a breakfast that has something for everyone from yogurt and fruit to hot or cold cereals to hot food like bacon, eggs and pancakes. Your room tip is valuable for travelers so they know what to expect when they visit. We are an antique house, with private bathrooms for each guest room. Some of our bathrooms are smaller than you might find in a modern hotel. you were in the Old Garden Beach room. It is on our only first floor room. It has an electric fireplace, leather wing chairs, a window seat and beautiful artwork from Italy. The bathroom has a (brand new) pedestal sink and a tub/shower combination..

Click to expand...

How do I say, "most guests prefer the charm and history of an antique house to the large, cold sameness of a stupid, modern, boring hotel" - you know, without saying stupid and boring?
.

Click to expand...

The charm and history of an old (seafaring captain's house or whatever the house is 'famous for) isn't for everyone. A love of history and a sense of romance help the majority of our guests appreciate the quirks and embellishments of our nineteenth century building and the renovations we've undertaken to make it a special place for our guests to relax.
.

Click to expand...

I'm relaxed just reading your calming and colorful prose. Thanks.
.

Click to expand...

TheBeachHouse said:

I'm relaxed just reading your calming and colorful prose. Thanks.

Click to expand...

I aim to help.

It is sad that these ​idiots people book our charming and unique accommodations for that very reason then turn around and bite us with their review comments.
BTW Mort, love the 'perfect size for very close friends' comment. Love it!

Morticia said:

TheBeachHouse said:

TheBeachHouse said:

How's this?
Thank you for your review. We are happy you enjoyed your breakfast and our welcome cookies! We do our best to offer a breakfast that has something for everyone from yogurt and fruit to hot or cold cereals to hot food like bacon, eggs and pancakes. Your room tip is valuable for travelers so they know what to expect when they visit. We are an antique house, with private bathrooms for each guest room. Some of our bathrooms are smaller than you might find in a modern hotel. you were in the Old Garden Beach room. It is on our only first floor room. It has an electric fireplace, leather wing chairs, a window seat and beautiful artwork from Italy. The bathroom has a (brand new) pedestal sink and a tub/shower combination..

Click to expand...

How do I say, "most guests prefer the charm and history of an antique house to the large, cold sameness of a stupid, modern, boring hotel" - you know, without saying stupid and boring?
.

Click to expand...

The charm and history of an old (seafaring captain's house or whatever the house is 'famous for) isn't for everyone. A love of history and a sense of romance help the majority of our guests appreciate the quirks and embellishments of our nineteenth century building and the renovations we've undertaken to make it a special place for our guests to relax.
.

Click to expand...

Morticia said:

The charm and history of an old (seafaring captain's house or whatever the house is 'famous for) isn't for everyone. A love of history and a sense of romance help the majority of our guests appreciate the quirks and embellishments of our nineteenth century building and the renovations we've undertaken to make it a special place for our guests to relax.

Click to expand...

You are good. Here is the final.
Thank you for your review. We are happy you enjoyed your breakfast and our welcome cookies!! We offer a breakfast that has something for everyone from yogurt and fruit to hot or cold cereals to hot food like bacon, eggs and pancakes. A hearty New England breakfast!
Your room tip is valuable for travelers so they know what to expect when they visit. You stayed in the Old Garden Beach room. It is our only first floor room and has a queen size bed, an electric fireplace, leather wing chairs, a window seat, en suite bathroom with a shower/tub combination and beautiful artwork from Italy. A nineteenth century house, (one of the first houses built on our street,) may not be for everyone. Most of our guests love the sense of history and romance of an antique home. We have renovated and worked hard to make it comfortable and relaxing for our guests and hope they come to love it as we do.

Morticia said:

TheBeachHouse said:

Morticia said:

TheBeachHouse said:

TheBeachHouse said:

How's this?
Thank you for your review. We are happy you enjoyed your breakfast and our welcome cookies! We do our best to offer a breakfast that has something for everyone from yogurt and fruit to hot or cold cereals to hot food like bacon, eggs and pancakes. Your room tip is valuable for travelers so they know what to expect when they visit. We are an antique house, with private bathrooms for each guest room. Some of our bathrooms are smaller than you might find in a modern hotel. you were in the Old Garden Beach room. It is on our only first floor room. It has an electric fireplace, leather wing chairs, a window seat and beautiful artwork from Italy. The bathroom has a (brand new) pedestal sink and a tub/shower combination..

Click to expand...

How do I say, "most guests prefer the charm and history of an antique house to the large, cold sameness of a stupid, modern, boring hotel" - you know, without saying stupid and boring?
.

Click to expand...

The charm and history of an old (seafaring captain's house or whatever the house is 'famous for) isn't for everyone. A love of history and a sense of romance help the majority of our guests appreciate the quirks and embellishments of our nineteenth century building and the renovations we've undertaken to make it a special place for our guests to relax.
.

Click to expand...

I'm relaxed just reading your calming and colorful prose. Thanks.
.

Click to expand...

TheBeachHouse said:

I'm relaxed just reading your calming and colorful prose. Thanks.

Click to expand...

I aim to help.
.

Click to expand...

You are a pro, for sure!

Silverspoon said:

Morticia said:

TheBeachHouse said:

Morticia said:

TheBeachHouse said:

TheBeachHouse said:

How's this?
Thank you for your review. We are happy you enjoyed your breakfast and our welcome cookies! We do our best to offer a breakfast that has something for everyone from yogurt and fruit to hot or cold cereals to hot food like bacon, eggs and pancakes. Your room tip is valuable for travelers so they know what to expect when they visit. We are an antique house, with private bathrooms for each guest room. Some of our bathrooms are smaller than you might find in a modern hotel. you were in the Old Garden Beach room. It is on our only first floor room. It has an electric fireplace, leather wing chairs, a window seat and beautiful artwork from Italy. The bathroom has a (brand new) pedestal sink and a tub/shower combination..

Click to expand...

How do I say, "most guests prefer the charm and history of an antique house to the large, cold sameness of a stupid, modern, boring hotel" - you know, without saying stupid and boring?
.

Click to expand...

The charm and history of an old (seafaring captain's house or whatever the house is 'famous for) isn't for everyone. A love of history and a sense of romance help the majority of our guests appreciate the quirks and embellishments of our nineteenth century building and the renovations we've undertaken to make it a special place for our guests to relax.
.

Click to expand...

I'm relaxed just reading your calming and colorful prose. Thanks.
.

Click to expand...

TheBeachHouse said:

I'm relaxed just reading your calming and colorful prose. Thanks.

Click to expand...

I aim to help.
.

Click to expand...

You are a pro, for sure!

.

Click to expand...

We can't change anyone's perception unfortunately. But a gracious response will speak volumes as to the quality of accommodation you are providing.