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JBloggs

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Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know.
First one: How?
Second one: My dog told me.
 

JBloggs

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Did you ever notice?
When you put the two words
"The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?
 

JBloggs

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A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
 

JBloggs

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A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
 

Proud Texan

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Three Irishmen leave a bar.......what? It could happen.
 

gillumhouse

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Three Irishmen leave a bar.......what? It could happen..
Paddy worked at the brewery. He fell into a vat of beer and drowned. They tried to rescue him three times but he swam away.
 

The Farmers Daughter

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A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She's a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama Country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
 

The Farmers Daughter

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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this.
So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite countertops.'
 

wendydk

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A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She's a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama Country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country.".
Odd...that joke came out a while back, and read as follows:
"A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
 

gillumhouse

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A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She's a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama Country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country.".
Odd...that joke came out a while back, and read as follows:
"A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
.
It actually started during the Clinton era. At least it was the fist time I had heard it. It just keeps changing the name of the president.
I equates with the WWII advice to a soldier in the South Pacific who wanted to shoot a Japanese soldier. He was told to go out and shout Down with Hirohito so he did just that. When he came back to camp, he was asked Did you get one? and the soldier replied, No, he stood up and said Down with Roosevelt and I could not shoot someone who was on my side.
I know I screwed it up, but it is the gist of it.
 

Innkeep

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A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She's a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama Country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country.".
Odd...that joke came out a while back, and read as follows:
"A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
.
It actually started during the Clinton era. At least it was the fist time I had heard it. It just keeps changing the name of the president.
I equates with the WWII advice to a soldier in the South Pacific who wanted to shoot a Japanese soldier. He was told to go out and shout Down with Hirohito so he did just that. When he came back to camp, he was asked Did you get one? and the soldier replied, No, he stood up and said Down with Roosevelt and I could not shoot someone who was on my side.
I know I screwed it up, but it is the gist of it.
.
"couldn't shoot another Republican"
 

mooseberry

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A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”.
Thanks, just what I needed....

 
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