21st Century Etiquette

When addressing a married couple in writing (who share the same last name) do you still use Mr. and Mrs. John Smith or do you write something more modern, such as Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Smith? Or Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith? Or do you skip the Mr. and Mrs. altogether and just use their first names, John and Jane Smith? I've been researching this but haven't been able to find anything concrete. With most young couples it's not an issue as they usually have different last names but with older couples I'm a bit confused as to what is correct these days.

Or Dr and Mrs,
Or Lieutenant and Wife,
or... Mr & Mr
Or Mr and Mrs Smith-Jones
Let's see what Generic says. You didn't say what country, is it a couple in the USA? Or how do you know it is a Mr and Mrs? Like my Dale and Gale fiasco from ten years ago. Dale is male, Dale is female, Gail, Gale. We know a Ryan and a Ryan (one male and one female).
All that to say I would use their first names.

See we have this I am Miss W and He is Mr S and we get various combination of Mr & Mrs S, Mr & Mrs W - don't think there is a right answer mind.

To whom are you writing? Guests? To me they are Jane & John. If to acquaintances who are older than you, then Mr & Mrs(Ms) Smith (skip the first names). If you're addressing invitations then Mrs(Ms) Jane Smith and Mr John Smith.
But, don't take my word for it as I live in a place where I haven't heard 'Mr & Mrs' in I don't know how long! Altho, I have an invite here on my desk addressed to 'Mrs Morticia Addams' even tho that's not my name. SOME people just won't let go of the idea that a married woman must give up her birth name once she weds. ;-)

Jcam said:

See we have this I am Miss W and He is Mr S and we get various combination of Mr & Mrs S, Mr & Mrs W - don't think there is a right answer mind..

Click to expand...

Jcam said:

See we have this I am Miss W and He is Mr S and we get various combination of Mr & Mrs S, Mr & Mrs W - don't think there is a right answer mind.

Click to expand...

Credit cards from across the pond have 'Mr' and 'Mrs' or Miss' on them.

Unless it's a formal invitation, I just use first names in e-mail. If I were addressing an envelope, I would use first & last names. I rarely use Mr. & Mrs. anymore. I guess it all depends on what your relationship is with them.

We have a Shannon. Want to guess it it is one of the boys or one of the girls? There are so many made up and either/or names these days to even try to figure it out. I just do first names as it is easier and safer. (And now I am old enough that even our old guests are our contemporaries so do not object.)

Mr. John Smith & Ms. Jane Smith, always, nowadays, if you want to be formal. John & Jane, informal. Never skip her first name, she's no longer insignificant. You can also go with John & Jane Smith without the Mr. and Ms. part.
Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?
On this side of the border the proper word to use is spouse, not husband or wife... EVER! It doesn't judge if you are married or unmarried nor if you are Ms. and Ms. or even Mr. and Mr. The other acceptable word is "partner" again doesn't suggest sex of the person. Or if you need another synonym, significant other.
BTW, it's very gauche to ask if people are married around here. It's one of those bedroom items.... like asking people their favourite sex position. Nope, not going there!

For me personally: If its an email or just a letter, its John and Jane. Or John and Jane Smith. If its formal like a wedding or event, its Mr & Mrs Smith.
I addressed a birthday card to an eight year old, Mr. John Smith. That was his favorite part of the card and gift. He showed it to his mom, "Look, it says, Mr. John Smith!" He was so tickled! The card and gift meant nothing compare to the regular envelope bearing his full title and name.

Generic said:

Mr. John Smith & Ms. Jane Smith, always, nowadays, if you want to be formal. John & Jane, informal. Never skip her first name, she's no longer insignificant. You can also go with John & Jane Smith without the Mr. and Ms. part.
Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?
On this side of the border the proper word to use is spouse, not husband or wife... EVER! It doesn't judge if you are married or unmarried nor if you are Ms. and Ms. or even Mr. and Mr. The other acceptable word is "partner" again doesn't suggest sex of the person. Or if you need another synonym, significant other.
BTW, it's very gauche to ask if people are married around here. It's one of those bedroom items.... like asking people their favourite sex position. Nope, not going there!.

Click to expand...

Generic said:

Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?

Click to expand...

I know of two men that took their wives name when they got married.

Duff2014 said:

Generic said:

Mr. John Smith & Ms. Jane Smith, always, nowadays, if you want to be formal. John & Jane, informal. Never skip her first name, she's no longer insignificant. You can also go with John & Jane Smith without the Mr. and Ms. part.
Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?
On this side of the border the proper word to use is spouse, not husband or wife... EVER! It doesn't judge if you are married or unmarried nor if you are Ms. and Ms. or even Mr. and Mr. The other acceptable word is "partner" again doesn't suggest sex of the person. Or if you need another synonym, significant other.
BTW, it's very gauche to ask if people are married around here. It's one of those bedroom items.... like asking people their favourite sex position. Nope, not going there!.

Click to expand...

Generic said:

Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?

Click to expand...

I know of two men that took their wives name when they got married.
.

Click to expand...

Here it's not allowed either way. If you want, you can go through the legal process for changing your name, but marriage is NOT listed as a valid reason.

JBloggs said:

Or Dr and Mrs,
Or Lieutenant and Wife,
or... Mr & Mr
Or Mr and Mrs Smith-Jones
Let's see what Generic says. You didn't say what country, is it a couple in the USA? Or how do you know it is a Mr and Mrs? Like my Dale and Gale fiasco from ten years ago. Dale is male, Dale is female, Gail, Gale. We know a Ryan and a Ryan (one male and one female).
All that to say I would use their first names.

.

Click to expand...

JBloggs said:

Or Dr and Mrs,
Or Lieutenant and Wife,
or... Mr & Mr
Or Mr and Mrs Smith-Jones

Click to expand...

I'll say, why is everybody always listing the guy first? And why is the guy the Dr or the Lieutenant? About half of all doctors are female now, and more and more military officers are women.

I say flipping a coin is the only way to know which to list first, every time ;-)

I may not sleep tonight, worrying about this issue.

Arks said:

JBloggs said:

Or Dr and Mrs,
Or Lieutenant and Wife,
or... Mr & Mr
Or Mr and Mrs Smith-Jones
Let's see what Generic says. You didn't say what country, is it a couple in the USA? Or how do you know it is a Mr and Mrs? Like my Dale and Gale fiasco from ten years ago. Dale is male, Dale is female, Gail, Gale. We know a Ryan and a Ryan (one male and one female).
All that to say I would use their first names.

.

Click to expand...

JBloggs said:

Or Dr and Mrs,
Or Lieutenant and Wife,
or... Mr & Mr
Or Mr and Mrs Smith-Jones

Click to expand...

I'll say, why is everybody always listing the guy first? And why is the guy the Dr or the Lieutenant? About half of all doctors are female now, and more and more military officers are women.

I say flipping a coin is the only way to know which to list first, every time ;-)

I may not sleep tonight, worrying about this issue.
.

Click to expand...

If it's guests, I always put the name first that's first on the reservation. Makes no difference to me if it's a male or female.

Generic said:

Duff2014 said:

Generic said:

Mr. John Smith & Ms. Jane Smith, always, nowadays, if you want to be formal. John & Jane, informal. Never skip her first name, she's no longer insignificant. You can also go with John & Jane Smith without the Mr. and Ms. part.
Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?
On this side of the border the proper word to use is spouse, not husband or wife... EVER! It doesn't judge if you are married or unmarried nor if you are Ms. and Ms. or even Mr. and Mr. The other acceptable word is "partner" again doesn't suggest sex of the person. Or if you need another synonym, significant other.
BTW, it's very gauche to ask if people are married around here. It's one of those bedroom items.... like asking people their favourite sex position. Nope, not going there!.

Click to expand...

Generic said:

Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?

Click to expand...

I know of two men that took their wives name when they got married.
.

Click to expand...

Here it's not allowed either way. If you want, you can go through the legal process for changing your name, but marriage is NOT listed as a valid reason.
.

Click to expand...

Ah, ha! Now I know why you are always changing your username!!!! You're stuck with John Generic for life… No hope of every accomplishing to Mr. Specific!!!!!! What a life!

Arks said:

JBloggs said:

Or Dr and Mrs,
Or Lieutenant and Wife,
or... Mr & Mr
Or Mr and Mrs Smith-Jones
Let's see what Generic says. You didn't say what country, is it a couple in the USA? Or how do you know it is a Mr and Mrs? Like my Dale and Gale fiasco from ten years ago. Dale is male, Dale is female, Gail, Gale. We know a Ryan and a Ryan (one male and one female).
All that to say I would use their first names.

.

Click to expand...

JBloggs said:

Or Dr and Mrs,
Or Lieutenant and Wife,
or... Mr & Mr
Or Mr and Mrs Smith-Jones

Click to expand...

I'll say, why is everybody always listing the guy first? And why is the guy the Dr or the Lieutenant? About half of all doctors are female now, and more and more military officers are women.

I say flipping a coin is the only way to know which to list first, every time ;-)

I may not sleep tonight, worrying about this issue.
.

Click to expand...

Arks said:

JBloggs said:

Or Dr and Mrs,
Or Lieutenant and Wife,
or... Mr & Mr
Or Mr and Mrs Smith-Jones

Click to expand...

I'll say, why is everybody always listing the guy first? And why is the guy the Dr or the Lieutenant? About half of all doctors are female now, and more and more military officers are women.

I say flipping a coin is the only way to know which to list first, every time ;-)

I may not sleep tonight, worrying about this issue.

Click to expand...

It might soon be Ms President and First Man…. Though President Kennedy said, "I was the lucky man that accompanied Jackie Kennedy to France."
I wouldn't worry too much and lose sleep because after all, just flip a coin! Now if you don't have a coin, you'd better start worrying!

Curious about when you would be addressing a married couple this way with a formal writing?
Guests are often not married and we can't assume ... so I am guessing this is for your personal correspondence?
I don't have the Emily Post or Miss Manners solution but I have a quick story to relate.
I had guests ... call them John and Jane Doe ... they were about the same age. I assumed they were a married couple as both names were given. They stayed a weekend. The first morning, the chambermaid came to me and said 'come see what they've done to the bed'. They were in a king bed and had put one set of pillows at the foot of the bed. They also pulled up the fitted sheet and placed pillows between the fitted sheet and mattress pad and tucked it back in so there was a little barrier between the two halves. A chair was pulled beside the foot of the bed with the pillows, acting as night stand. We tidied up the room, leaving the bed alone, and the female of the couple entered the room as I was leaving. She told me they were brother and sister and always got one room as it was less expensive. I asked if the pillows were for privacy or something. 'Heavens, no!' she said, 'that's so we don't kick each other in the head.'

Generic said:

Duff2014 said:

Generic said:

Mr. John Smith & Ms. Jane Smith, always, nowadays, if you want to be formal. John & Jane, informal. Never skip her first name, she's no longer insignificant. You can also go with John & Jane Smith without the Mr. and Ms. part.
Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?
On this side of the border the proper word to use is spouse, not husband or wife... EVER! It doesn't judge if you are married or unmarried nor if you are Ms. and Ms. or even Mr. and Mr. The other acceptable word is "partner" again doesn't suggest sex of the person. Or if you need another synonym, significant other.
BTW, it's very gauche to ask if people are married around here. It's one of those bedroom items.... like asking people their favourite sex position. Nope, not going there!.

Click to expand...

Generic said:

Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?

Click to expand...

I know of two men that took their wives name when they got married.
.

Click to expand...

Here it's not allowed either way. If you want, you can go through the legal process for changing your name, but marriage is NOT listed as a valid reason.
.

Click to expand...

What has become an option here is a new last name for both - (1) double barrel or brand new (2) say we are jones smith they may do an alagamation Jonith or combination of letters or something completely different like Turnip or whatever. Its come from a realisation we can't keep hyphonating or we are going to end up with Jones-Smith-Thompson-smythes before long and its going to be bedlam on forms.
Also people from the Eastern European countries as part of their assimilation are changing their names to blend in and be easier to say and spell by taking UK last names.

Jcam said:

Generic said:

Duff2014 said:

Generic said:

Mr. John Smith & Ms. Jane Smith, always, nowadays, if you want to be formal. John & Jane, informal. Never skip her first name, she's no longer insignificant. You can also go with John & Jane Smith without the Mr. and Ms. part.
Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?
On this side of the border the proper word to use is spouse, not husband or wife... EVER! It doesn't judge if you are married or unmarried nor if you are Ms. and Ms. or even Mr. and Mr. The other acceptable word is "partner" again doesn't suggest sex of the person. Or if you need another synonym, significant other.
BTW, it's very gauche to ask if people are married around here. It's one of those bedroom items.... like asking people their favourite sex position. Nope, not going there!.

Click to expand...

Generic said:

Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?

Click to expand...

I know of two men that took their wives name when they got married.
.

Click to expand...

Here it's not allowed either way. If you want, you can go through the legal process for changing your name, but marriage is NOT listed as a valid reason.
.

Click to expand...

What has become an option here is a new last name for both - (1) double barrel or brand new (2) say we are jones smith they may do an alagamation Jonith or combination of letters or something completely different like Turnip or whatever. Its come from a realisation we can't keep hyphonating or we are going to end up with Jones-Smith-Thompson-smythes before long and its going to be bedlam on forms.
Also people from the Eastern European countries as part of their assimilation are changing their names to blend in and be easier to say and spell by taking UK last names.
.

Click to expand...

Jcam said:

...brand new (2) say we are jones smith they may do an amalgamation Jonith or combination of letters or something completely different like Turnip or whatever.

Click to expand...

I feel sorry for people in the future trying to trace family trees.

Arks said:

Jcam said:

Generic said:

Duff2014 said:

Generic said:

Mr. John Smith & Ms. Jane Smith, always, nowadays, if you want to be formal. John & Jane, informal. Never skip her first name, she's no longer insignificant. You can also go with John & Jane Smith without the Mr. and Ms. part.
Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?
On this side of the border the proper word to use is spouse, not husband or wife... EVER! It doesn't judge if you are married or unmarried nor if you are Ms. and Ms. or even Mr. and Mr. The other acceptable word is "partner" again doesn't suggest sex of the person. Or if you need another synonym, significant other.
BTW, it's very gauche to ask if people are married around here. It's one of those bedroom items.... like asking people their favourite sex position. Nope, not going there!.

Click to expand...

Generic said:

Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?

Click to expand...

I know of two men that took their wives name when they got married.
.

Click to expand...

Here it's not allowed either way. If you want, you can go through the legal process for changing your name, but marriage is NOT listed as a valid reason.
.

Click to expand...

What has become an option here is a new last name for both - (1) double barrel or brand new (2) say we are jones smith they may do an alagamation Jonith or combination of letters or something completely different like Turnip or whatever. Its come from a realisation we can't keep hyphonating or we are going to end up with Jones-Smith-Thompson-smythes before long and its going to be bedlam on forms.
Also people from the Eastern European countries as part of their assimilation are changing their names to blend in and be easier to say and spell by taking UK last names.
.

Click to expand...

Jcam said:

...brand new (2) say we are jones smith they may do an amalgamation Jonith or combination of letters or something completely different like Turnip or whatever.

Click to expand...

I feel sorry for people in the future trying to trace family trees.
.

Click to expand...

Arks said:

Jcam said:

...brand new (2) say we are jones smith they may do an amalgamation Jonith or combination of letters or something completely different like Turnip or whatever.

Click to expand...

I feel sorry for people in the future trying to trace family trees.

Click to expand...

There are plenty of resources for folks to do that - consider everyone who came thru Ellis island and had their name changed by someone who didn't speak their language or didn't give a care how this foreigner's name was spelled. (Or, the foreigner who decided to leave the past across the pond and now be someone else altogether.) Or families who had their individual names changed so dad and brother got one spelling, sister got another, mother something else altogether.
I worked with two brothers from Iraq who spelled their last name differently from each other.

Morticia said:

Arks said:

Jcam said:

Generic said:

Duff2014 said:

Generic said:

Mr. John Smith & Ms. Jane Smith, always, nowadays, if you want to be formal. John & Jane, informal. Never skip her first name, she's no longer insignificant. You can also go with John & Jane Smith without the Mr. and Ms. part.
Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?
On this side of the border the proper word to use is spouse, not husband or wife... EVER! It doesn't judge if you are married or unmarried nor if you are Ms. and Ms. or even Mr. and Mr. The other acceptable word is "partner" again doesn't suggest sex of the person. Or if you need another synonym, significant other.
BTW, it's very gauche to ask if people are married around here. It's one of those bedroom items.... like asking people their favourite sex position. Nope, not going there!.

Click to expand...

Generic said:

Of course on this side of the border, marriage is old fashioned (we don't need it for legal purposes anymore) and of course in my jurisdiction women can't take their husband's last name anyway. Not to mention that is is extremely sexist... why isn't he taking her last name?

Click to expand...

I know of two men that took their wives name when they got married.
.

Click to expand...

Here it's not allowed either way. If you want, you can go through the legal process for changing your name, but marriage is NOT listed as a valid reason.
.

Click to expand...

What has become an option here is a new last name for both - (1) double barrel or brand new (2) say we are jones smith they may do an alagamation Jonith or combination of letters or something completely different like Turnip or whatever. Its come from a realisation we can't keep hyphonating or we are going to end up with Jones-Smith-Thompson-smythes before long and its going to be bedlam on forms.
Also people from the Eastern European countries as part of their assimilation are changing their names to blend in and be easier to say and spell by taking UK last names.
.

Click to expand...

Jcam said:

...brand new (2) say we are jones smith they may do an amalgamation Jonith or combination of letters or something completely different like Turnip or whatever.

Click to expand...

I feel sorry for people in the future trying to trace family trees.
.

Click to expand...

Arks said:

Jcam said:

...brand new (2) say we are jones smith they may do an amalgamation Jonith or combination of letters or something completely different like Turnip or whatever.

Click to expand...

I feel sorry for people in the future trying to trace family trees.

Click to expand...

There are plenty of resources for folks to do that - consider everyone who came thru Ellis island and had their name changed by someone who didn't speak their language or didn't give a care how this foreigner's name was spelled. (Or, the foreigner who decided to leave the past across the pond and now be someone else altogether.) Or families who had their individual names changed so dad and brother got one spelling, sister got another, mother something else altogether.
I worked with two brothers from Iraq who spelled their last name differently from each other.
.

Click to expand...

PLus you get the people with a different system ie in Lituania you have a masculine and feminin of the same name so say Smithsl is masculin and smithgl is the fem -