how would you feel?

[DaisyMae]

this is just something that i wanna throw out there to see if ayone thinks i am at all justified in feeling the way i do...
a couple of weeks ago DH & i went out of town for a week.we asked an acquaintance ( that we have known for a little over 1 year) to keep an eye on the Inn for us. we just asked him to poke his head in a couple of times during the week just to make sure the furnace was still running o.k. (we have been having furnace issues lately) & toss the mail in on the table. that's all.
a while back he had mentioned that he & his wife were having relationship issues & needed time away from the kids. he asked if he could make a reservation sometime...we said sure. he did not say exactly when & nothing else about it was ever mentioned again.
so anyway...we go away...he called once while we were gone to say everything was going fine. when we returned home there was a bouquest of flowers & a thank you card waiting for us. the card said that he & his wife had stayed there while we were gone & that he had eaten lunch there each day, etc. he thanked us for letting him watch the place.
we had guests check out the morning we left, so we just left those guestrooms to clean when we got back. the other two rooms were somewhat torn apart due to renovations we are preparing to do. it was rather obvious that the inn was not in its tip top presentable shape & ready for guests.
Dh & i were surprised that they had stayed and felt a little,um, i'm not sure what to call how we felt...we're not good friends with this guy & we have never met his wife. he did not state at any point that they were planning on staying while we were gone (maybe it was a last minute thought) when he called, he did not mention that they were staying there (maybe he forgot?) i guess we felt a little invaded?
i know we are an inn & have guests there all the time but ultimately our inns are still our homes,right!? we had locked up any files with guest info, cc info,etc. so that security was not an issue & we locked our bedroom door, also.
i know when you ask someone to watch your home you are allowing them access to your home & you know that, so...
i thought it was just me feeling this & thought maybe i was being silly. i mentioned it to DH & ( to my surprise) he said he kind of felt put off too.
i guess we feel a little taken advantage of? are we being petty or would any of you feel the same way? we felt comfortable with him watching the house or we never would have asked him. we just did not know they were going to "live" there while we were gone. we don't plan on saying anything to him about how we feel, we also don't plan on asking again. DH did mention to him that we thought they were going to be staying sometime as a "regular" guests. the guy must not have gotten the hint because he just said, "well, we needed to get away" they live about 10 miles away from us.
p.s. sorry to be long winded, everyone!

 

[Morticia]

OK, yes, you're right to feel 'invaded'. Now, it would have been perfectly ok to offer a GC to him for watching the place and it would have amounted to the same thing, but it's as if the were playing house. Using the GC would mean you were in place to do what you do. Just setting up camp was wrong. And to not ask or mention it to you while you were away was wrong. It IS your home. This is just a case of someone not understanding that. He certainly would not (we hope) have just 'stayed over' in your spare bedroom!
Who fed him lunch? Did he just rummage in the kitchen for himself?
The flowers are nice, but I'd still feel odd and I wouldn't be asking him to watch the place again. I mean, did they just take a room that wasn't clean? Yuck.

 

[DaisyMae]

the room they took was clean... it was just in major disarray. playing house is a fitting term to use. you know how when something just hangs on to you & bugs you fro a while after...that's what this is for me (and DH). like i said i was surprised that it bugged DH because he is very easygoing. he says, "i'm glad we locked our bedroom door!"
but they had to roam around the house to come upon that room. the only time he had been to our house was a few days before when he stopped by to pick up a key & Dh was telling him about the furnace. maybe we made a wrong decision to ask him...i don't know.
i know guests probably look around the inn but, that seems different because you knwo they are there & we're there, and...
they apparently didn't think it would be a big deal. i'm not saying they were being sneaky, they did tell us about it...after they did it!
DH & i are babysitting an inn down the street for the winter and we look in on it once a week, but it certainly would not occur to us & doesn't interest us to go hang out there & live there while innkeepeers are away for thee winter.

 

[gillumhouse]

I would also feel "inn-vaded" and disrespected. To stay there as your guests while you are there as a thank you is one thing - the innkeepers are in residence. For them to just "move in" and lunch-in is NOT what you requested of them, that is a lot more than check on the furnace and bring in the mail. Rather cheeky in my not very humble opinion and I would probably be a lot more distant in the acquaintanceship in the future.

 

[Morticia]

Hubs weighs in...he would not mention it to the person. He also thinks your friend overstepped the boundaries and hubs would not invite him to inn-watch again. He says if the guy ever asks why you haven't asked him again, to explain that it felt awkward to you that he stayed in your house while you were away.

 

[Tony]

I wouldn't confront him about it, but I wouldn't continue any relationship with him either. Judging from this, he seems like someone who would take advantage of you at the first opportunity.

 

[user 26]

i am going to differ on this one and suggest something else.
i think he misunderstood ... just that.
i think he thought it was okay to stay there.
why? because he didn't hide it from you and, in fact, thanked you for letting him and his wife stay. he didn't hide that he ate lunch there, he told you he ate lunch there.
unless he ate your food; slept in your bed; left a mess; ran up phone, electric and heating bills; etc., then i think it's okay. as you say, it's a place where other people stay.
i have paid people to watch over my place and i actually was glad that someone was there overnight ... i felt more secure having activity in the place. paying a caretaker - i told her - please come in and stay a while. bring your husband. turn up the heat, play some music, watch tv, sleep here if you want, let this place look lived in, let folks see you coming and going. as someone whose home was broken into, i feel very strongly that those who burglarize and vandalize places watch for places that are empty even for a few days (especially at nite). i had someone 'watching' my home at that time ... they'd stop in for a couple minutes and walk out. it was not enough.
please don't be angry with him or feel violated. i feel very strongly that was not his intention. your first instinct was to trust him to look after your home ... i follow my instincts.
just my two cents.

 

[SecondAct]

That is definitely inn-vasive and downright creepy. If he had the ability to be in touch by phone, which he did, and if he had respect for you and your property, he should have let you know up front that he was going to spend the night. I would definitely cool off the relationship and would seriously consider changing the locks.

 

[JunieBJones (JBJ)]

Do you feel like goldilocks and the three bears? I always thought the bears got the raw end of that deal.
I think about it in my own situation. We had a friend who is also a cop come by and feed the cat primarily. If I came home and found out he and his wife had been here while we were gone I would flip my lid. I would not have allowed that and he would be crossing all boundaries to think he could have the entire inn to himself while the owners are not present. VERY UNTRUSTWORTHY is what comes to mind. You did not hire a housesitter, so this means noone should be sleeping in your beds!

 

[JunieBJones (JBJ)]

PS the fact that they gave YOU flowers speaks volumes.

 

[JunieBJones (JBJ)]

That is definitely inn-vasive and downright creepy. If he had the ability to be in touch by phone, which he did, and if he had respect for you and your property, he should have let you know up front that he was going to spend the night. I would definitely cool off the relationship and would seriously consider changing the locks..

That is definitely inn-vasive and downright creepy. If he had the ability to be in touch by phone, which he did, and if he had respect for you and your property, he should have let you know up front that he was going to spend the night. I would definitely cool off the relationship and would seriously consider changing the locks.

I don't think there was ANY misunderstanding. Why do I think this? Did he ASK which room he could use? Nope. That tells me right there he just assumed he could use any room he wanted and you would be okay with it since he was checking on the place and of course, gave YOU flowers. If I stayed ANYWHERE, private home, B&B, anyplace I would ask where I was to sleep - which room is mine? What the heck, is this guy a teenager or something!

 

[DaisyMae]

thank you everyone, for your thoughts & opinions. i appreciate it & know i don't feel like i am being petty. DH & i are non confrontational people so we don't plan on saying to him how we really feel. we don't plan on asking him to babysit again.
the man is not a teenager he's actually in his late 30's. although i do not feel they were being sneaky and don't think they meant any harm we also don't think it was a misunderstanding.
this has been stuck in my mind for a few days & i thought throwing it out here in the forum was a good idea & i'm glad i did. thank you for helping me feel justified in my feelings!!

 

[user 26]

now that you have thought things through and decided that your feelings are justified, go with that feeling ... and change your locks just to be on the safe side.

 

[ginocat]

thank you everyone, for your thoughts & opinions. i appreciate it & know i don't feel like i am being petty. DH & i are non confrontational people so we don't plan on saying to him how we really feel. we don't plan on asking him to babysit again.
the man is not a teenager he's actually in his late 30's. although i do not feel they were being sneaky and don't think they meant any harm we also don't think it was a misunderstanding.
this has been stuck in my mind for a few days & i thought throwing it out here in the forum was a good idea & i'm glad i did. thank you for helping me feel justified in my feelings!!.

Did they clean the room they used? I can understand you feeling invaded. Perhaps because you have a bed and breakfast he didn't think there was anything wrong with using a room when it was closed. He wouldn't be thinking of it as your home and as you said, you'd locked your private area and bedroom so he couldn't get to those places. If I had someone checking on my house I'd love for them to check in all rooms when they came by.
Personally, if I'm gone for longer than a couple of days I arrange for someone to live here. I know that there have been times when those people have had friends come and stay. They don't tell me but I just know it. Yes, it grates on me a little but then I think what's the big deal? I'm not losing money (okay maybe some electricity and water) and the person who's staying doesn't charge me anything and they are looking after the place.
I think I'm of the mind to just say forget it. I'm sure he didn't mean anything wrong and I do agree that the fact that he told you what he did meant he didn't think he was doing anything wrong.

 

[EmptyNest]

I am like Seashanty. I think I am taking the high road on this one. I don't think he knew any better. He may not have had the best judgement..but he sent you flowers..that speaks to me
I would never presume to do such a thing when I look in on my friends' inns and we are friends.. I don't think it was appropriate, but if you didn't discuss with him EXACTLY what you expected and that one day he would be more than welcome to come stay for a night..then I would just let it go.
I would not make a big deal out of it. It is a bit weird but I think I might change the locks..just in case.

 

[hawley]

I have had a couple of guests go where they were not invited and I felt this way too. Now I keep all doors locked except ones they are allowed in.
My sister & husband stayed at my house once when we were out of town. Instead of using the room given when asked if they could come on their way thru town, found out they used my own bedroom and bed. I was really put out by that, but It wouldn't have helped to say anything about it.
Some people don't recognize boundaries. I think he is one of those.
If you need to have him watch the house in the future because you can't find someone else, lock all your rooms so they can't be used. And mention something about having a soda with lunch if he plans to have lunch there every day while he is watching the house.

 

[boop68]

thank you everyone, for your thoughts & opinions. i appreciate it & know i don't feel like i am being petty. DH & i are non confrontational people so we don't plan on saying to him how we really feel. we don't plan on asking him to babysit again.
the man is not a teenager he's actually in his late 30's. although i do not feel they were being sneaky and don't think they meant any harm we also don't think it was a misunderstanding.
this has been stuck in my mind for a few days & i thought throwing it out here in the forum was a good idea & i'm glad i did. thank you for helping me feel justified in my feelings!!.

I know where you're coming from. We had "house-sitters" twice this summer. No guests, just keep the place looking occupied & feed the pets. 1st couple: we showed them their room & then found out when we returned that they had decided to use the whirlpool tub in another room as well ( used the one in their room too!). I hate cleaning those tubs, so that really ticked me off!
Well, we didn't learn our lesson. Next was a mom & 2 small kiids. Gave them our largest room - made the point of asking which ROOM (singular) they'd like. Came home & found 3 rooms dirty!! left a message saying she didn't know how I wanted things cleaned, so she just left them & she'd come back later to "help" me clean! I may not know exactly how someone else wants their towels folded & all the throw pillows placed, but I do know that all the bathrooms need scrubbed & all the sheets need stripped - didn't even attempt that!
Needless to say, next time we get a house sitter, we're locking the other guest room doors!

 

[Morticia]

thank you everyone, for your thoughts & opinions. i appreciate it & know i don't feel like i am being petty. DH & i are non confrontational people so we don't plan on saying to him how we really feel. we don't plan on asking him to babysit again.
the man is not a teenager he's actually in his late 30's. although i do not feel they were being sneaky and don't think they meant any harm we also don't think it was a misunderstanding.
this has been stuck in my mind for a few days & i thought throwing it out here in the forum was a good idea & i'm glad i did. thank you for helping me feel justified in my feelings!!.

I know where you're coming from. We had "house-sitters" twice this summer. No guests, just keep the place looking occupied & feed the pets. 1st couple: we showed them their room & then found out when we returned that they had decided to use the whirlpool tub in another room as well ( used the one in their room too!). I hate cleaning those tubs, so that really ticked me off!
Well, we didn't learn our lesson. Next was a mom & 2 small kiids. Gave them our largest room - made the point of asking which ROOM (singular) they'd like. Came home & found 3 rooms dirty!! left a message saying she didn't know how I wanted things cleaned, so she just left them & she'd come back later to "help" me clean! I may not know exactly how someone else wants their towels folded & all the throw pillows placed, but I do know that all the bathrooms need scrubbed & all the sheets need stripped - didn't even attempt that!
Needless to say, next time we get a house sitter, we're locking the other guest room doors!
.

Well, we didn't learn our lesson. Next was a mom & 2 small kiids. Gave them our largest room - made the point of asking which ROOM (singular) they'd like. Came home & found 3 rooms dirty!! left a message saying she didn't know how I wanted things cleaned, so she just left them & she'd come back later to "help" me clean! I may not know exactly how someone else wants their towels folded & all the throw pillows placed, but I do know that all the bathrooms need scrubbed & all the sheets need stripped - didn't even attempt that!
Needless to say, next time we get a house sitter, we're locking the other guest room doors!

Which room? Surely you meant which room did SHE want? Not which room did they ALL want!

Three people WILL use three rooms. But, yeah, you're right, the LEAST that could have been done was to strip everything and wash the bathrooms. Hope you called and invited her over to the cleaning party! If she had to clean up, she'd be more careful next time how much she used.

 

[Samster]

I don't think this was malicious but this guy obviously didn't have any boundaries. People like that have to have things spelled out in detail to them - We ONLY want you to check the furnace & pick up the mail. Please don't enter guest areas, our quarters, use the kitchen & eat our food, watch Pay-per-View, blah, blah, blah. You have to be specific with those kinds of people. And since you don't really know this guy that well, you didn't know that about him. So, this is a lesson learned for the next housesitter. As long as your guest list & other info was not at risk of compromise, I'd let it go too. But, I wouldn't ask this guy to housesit again either.